sansthelight

Sans the Light

In therapy on November 5, 2013 at 12:31 am

Sometimes the name is more apropos than usual.  I have suffered with depression most of my life.  I was very close to suicide at one point but was interrupted (although not discovered) and never got back to that point.  A friend of mine did commit suicide in high school and that changed my opinion of it rather drastically.  Once I had  seen the after effects of suicide I could never do it myself regardless of the problems.  At a certain point I came to the realization that my depression rarely had anything to do with what was happening in my life.  Intellectually this makes it some-what easier to deal with.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter though.  Depression is still depression even if it is rooted in the chemical cocktail of your brain rather than in real issues.  If you mix a few actual problems in with the chemical imbalances it becomes very difficult to tell the difference between the two.  Or to determine the severity of the actual problems as everything seems insurmountable.  This last week the depression slammed down on me.  I do have some things that I think are actual issues.  A friend is moving away and my business did much worse this year than last.  It is seasonal and now I have to figure out how to make it through the off season without the reserves of cash I had saved for the previous year.  I am under no illusions as to how much of this depression is rooted in these issues.  Very little of it has anything to do with these.  The problem is that depression completely saps the initiative out of your life.  Everything seems insurmountable and it is very difficult to work my way through what would otherwise be easily solved problems.  It is a question of inertia.  I am the unmoving object that needs to start moving and the depression is gravity.  I just can’t find the energy to take that first step.

-h

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